July 7, 2009
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Motivation is something that I am severely lacking as of right now. I have no motivation to do anything. I could be a regular American moron and blame it on the weather, but I know that’s not it. I guess I’m just not seeing where the point lies in striving to reach a potential I don’t know exists. The only thing that has speared me on all day is the idea of going to TaeKwonDo tonight. While I guess that’s something, it seems really odd that I don’t even want to spend time with my kiddos. Ideally, I want to just hide away and never come out.
My greatgrandmother passed away. I should be sad, but I’m not. I think I’ll talk to mom later and see if she feels it’s important for me to go to teh wake and all that stuff. I have no idea how dad feels about it, but I’m so tired of living to other people’s beliefs to appease them. Personally, I never knew the lady and have no want to go to any of the ridiculous ceremonies that encompany the loss of someone’s physical being. With Grammy Vaughn it’s different. She was mom’s mom. She was my grandmother. I knew her.
I’m also tired of some people saying “well if you lived closer” or “if we had lived closer to them” when it comes to me not knowing family members. That’s such bull. There are just those family members that I don’t know because they are vastly different from me and thus I have no reason to want to know them. If you’re going to use words like “nigger” and “Jap” around me, than I want nothing to do with you. If you are going to sit there and talk to me about skinning and killing innocent animals for the hell of it, I hope such a thing happens to you in some life. If you’re going to make fun of me and tease me because I believe in being culturally aware and sensitive, then screw off. I want nothing to do with you.
Maybe this is why I have no focus. I have too much hostility in me for such meditative things. I hope I can burn it all off tonight.Bah.