Real difficulties can be overcome, it is only the imaginary ones that are unconquerable. ~Theodore N. Vail
I apologize for the awkward silence in which I have left this blog. There has been a lot going on in our lives that has taken up a lot of time, energy, and emotion. Writing this is a difficult task that I have set myself. One that many would say I should not be taking on so early nor so easily. However, it is one that I must do for my own healing process to continue.
On August 23rd, 2010, my husband and I found out that we were pregnant. We were beyond happy. The original plan was to wait until after the first appointment to tell people, but we couldn’t hold it in. We were just way too excited, especially with me going through all the early symptoms of nausea, food cravings, and tender lady bits. After being told for close to eight years by my doctor’s that I may not be able to even conceive, this was a blessing.
I decided to keep track of my symptoms throughout and am glad that I did. at the 5 week, 5 day mark I began having some pelvic pain that I associated would be normal with pregnancy, having never gone through one before. It wasn’t strong enough to cause discomfort and only happened for a few moments at a time.
On September 13th, around what would have been 6 weeks and 5 days, I noticed dark brown spotting while having a pretty bad headache. Immediately I knew something was wrong. The next day I called the OB/GYN clinic that I had my appointment booked at for the 15th. The midwife I spoke to added an ultrasound onto my appointment. From the spotting on I had period-like cramps that I knew just went right.
At my appointment, I tried to be strong. Having my loving husband with me really helped. When we went in for the ultrasound, the fetus measured only 4 weeks and 5 days to 5 weeks and 1 day. I knew right then that there wasn’t any reason to hope. At this point I should have been around seven weeks. The pelvic pain that I had felt nearly two weeks before was my body realizing that this was not a viable pregnancy. I couldn’t continue with the appointment. My instinct knew what was going on and knew that there was no reason to continue with the labs or the information that the midwife had for me. She was more than understanding and let Joe and I leave the appointment earlier than planned. They took my hcg level (a hormone produced by the body during pregnancy). It was 1302.
I went back for my blood work on Friday, Sept. 17th. Friday night I started miscarrying. I knew what it was, but I wanted to make sure. I called the on call doctor who checked my labs. My hcg was at 1312. Seeing how the number is supposed to double every forty-eight hours until the placenta takes over at 10 weeks, this proved that the pregnancy was not stable. I thanked the doctor after asking a few questions and hung up the phone.
Joe and I spent the next hour or so calling close family members to let them know.
We spent the weekend together working on the house, laughing, crying, and loving what we have, and loving what we didn’t have. We started working on the downstairs bathroom, which for me has been a huge help as that is where I noticed things going horribly wrong. We went on walks to help relieve the cramping pain, and picked out some yarn for another baby sweater. We also talked about the things that needed to be added to the “baby list.”
I called the OB/GYN office this morning to cancel my follow-up ultrasound that was scheduled for the 23rd. Instead I have blood work on Monday, the 27th, to make sure my hcg levels go back down.
I understand if many think that I’m not showing the “right” emotions, that I’m not drowning in tears or wanting to talk to anyone and everyone that will listen. But this is the way we do things. We circle our wagons and hold tight, making it through the storm. Those who have offered their condolences, I thank you. Those that will, I thank you as well. To those that feel saying, “This wasn’t meant to be,” “God knows what he’s doing,” “At least you can get pregnant,” and/or, “This happens a lot; so-and-so had it happen to them, and so did so-and-so,” all I can say is that I hope you never have to go through this pain, but I do realize that you recognize that such comments do not help in a time like this. Keep them to yourself.
To those who have asked what we need and what you can do for us, all I can say is give us this gift of silence and time. If we need to talk, we will. Don’t bug us about this, don’t feel like we need to talk about it, and certainly don’t feel like you need to ask about it. We love you all, and if we need to talk, we will talk, but when we’re ready. The only thing that will help any of this pain and sadness is time.
Thank you again to all of you who have been supportive and loving.