“TWO roads divergerd in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth…”
~ “The Road Not Taken” by Robert Frost
Right now, in this moment, I am coming over a very rough patch in the road. But that’s nothing compared to where I’ve been. Before this portion of my journey my path was one of confusion and lost sight. I could never really pin down what I wanted to do with my life, I could never choose which path to take when I came to a fork in the road. No matter which one I chose, I was too busy doubting my decision and wondering what lay down the other path to focus on what was happening on the one I was on. I’ve missed chances to take in the sights, sounds, and emotions of long stretches of the road I walked along. While I could bemoan all that, regretting each lost piece, I won’t. The path that is behind me is just that: the path that is behind me.
As I started this entry, this reflection on my path, I am on a very rough stretch right now. The largest ruts, stones, and roots that I tend to fall in and trip over vary in what they are. I still have yet to officially start my career. I am working on a degree that I really don’t know whether or not it will get me anywhere. I have dealt with the joy of pregnancy and the pain of miscarriage all too soon. I feel as though every time I turn around there is another issue with my health that I had never noticed. I lost a family member who was dear to me. I find myself always wondering if the next month will be the one we’re late on bills. I fear that somewhere along the line I will lose faith in every hope I struggle to hold on to.
My saving grace in all of this remains those that walk with me. Whether it be through the shadows, on the side of these passes, or right next to me; my husband and my criddos keep me going even when the darkness of the road over takes me and makes me wish that I could just give up. There are times when, had it not been for them, I would have caved to the desire to disappear into obscurity, return to the world of jobs that I hate, and just live through life without passion or drive. To them, I am forever thankful.
The road ahead is still shrouded in fog. I have no idea what is coming. This rough portion may stretch on for days, weeks, maybe even years. There may be a smoother path, a side shoot that I can take to make it all a little easier. However, there might be a branch in the road with three, four, six options that I will have a hard time choosing from and once again be riddled with the same fears and doubts of the paths I’ve already walked down. I may even simply be going in a circle, unbeknownst to me. Lord and Lady, I hope that’s not the case.
The one thing I do know is that whatever the path ahead brings, no matter what road I take, I will have my husband and criddos there to keep me going. That may be all I really need.
Written based from the journal prompt on page eight of Christina Baldwin’s Life’s Companion: Journal Writing As A Spiritual Practice.