One of The Hardest Battles
December 28, 2010
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“To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.” ~e.e. cummings, 1955
This time of year always brings into view the expectations that others have of us. Whether they are expectations of us as a wife, husband, mother, father, daughter, so, friend, confidant, or anything else, these expectations strive to pull us in ways that may not be compatible to who we really are.
For myself, one expectation that seems placed upon me by many in my extended family is to be sugary-nice (or “two-faced” as I see it) despite family situations and visit with everyone that wants my time. Over the past couple of years I have learned that playing nice with the others in the sandbox when you would just rather bury their head in the sand and leave them there only stresses the situation further and keeps you in a negative mode. I have a hard time not seething about why it is I want nothing to do with said people, and the longer I’m in the sandbox, the more angry and vengeful I become.
It’s hard for many to understand, but I’m not the type to bite back my feelings. As my husband likes to point out I let my emotions hang on my sleeve unabashedly. If someone has an issue with such they can either address me or just deal with it. I’m not “in your face” with how I feel about things, but if I feel it’s important enough you will know my mind whether you want to or not.
I am proud of myself for this holiday season. This, for me, is a huge step. Last year I was almost to this point, but the events that have happened in the past three or so months set me back as I had to re-examine a lot of my priorities and life values. I am proud of myself beyond belief. Now if I can keep this momentum then I should begin feeling more like my “summer self” and much more positive in general.
I did not paint on the coating of saccharine and pretend everything was find and dandy. I did not force myself into that sandbox, nor did I let others force me there. Instead, I stayed on my swing and watched. Oh, I talked to those at the sandbox, but I didn’t have to play with them if I didn’t want to, and so I didn’t.