Some wounds take so long to heal, and others never do.
January 2, 2011
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Today’s been hard. I knew that it would be, but it’s been harder than I ever expected. How I’ll ever handle May 3rd when it comes, I just don’t know. I think that this is the best entry that I have ever read that really puts how I feel into words. That being said, I’ve pared it down to exactly what hits home for me.
“Most Moms-to-Be go on to become Moms. I didn’t…I was still without a living child, but I would never again be the same childless woman I’d been before getting pregnant. In falling in love with our unborn child, I had crossed a point of no return. I had permanently left behind my pre-baby self.
So what was I? I had forever shed my pre-pregnancy identity. I was no longer a Mom-to-Be. Yet I wasn’t a Mom, either. Could it be that there was a fourth group – Grieving-Would-Be-Moms?
Am I doomed to be a Grieving-Would-Be-Mom forever? Could this uncomfortable limbo be behind my increasing desperation to have a (living) baby? I will always be Grieving, but would love to go from Would-Be-Mom to Mom.
Some might admonish me not to let my losses define me, but those losses are indeed a part of who I am. They are the first thing I remember when I wake up in the morning, and the last thing I think about as I go to sleep at night.”