A Mouse's Tale

Random scurryings of a writer.

Some wounds take so long to heal, and others never do.

Today’s been hard. I knew that it would be, but it’s been harder than I ever expected. How I’ll ever handle May 3rd when it comes, I just don’t know. I think that this is the best entry that I have ever read that really puts how I feel into words. That being said, I’ve pared it down to exactly what hits home for me.

“Most Moms-to-Be go on to become Moms.  I didn’t…I was still without a living child, but I would never again be the same childless woman I’d been before getting pregnant. In falling in love with our unborn child, I had crossed a point of no return.  I had permanently left behind my pre-baby self.

So what was I?  I had forever shed my pre-pregnancy identity.  I was no longer a Mom-to-Be.  Yet I wasn’t a Mom, either.  Could it be that there was a fourth group – Grieving-Would-Be-Moms?

Am I doomed to be a Grieving-Would-Be-Mom forever?  Could this uncomfortable limbo be behind my increasing desperation to have a (living) baby?  I will always be Grieving, but would love to go from Would-Be-Mom to Mom.

Some might admonish me not to let my losses define me, but those losses are indeed a part of who I am.  They are the first thing I remember when I wake up in the morning, and the last thing I think about as I go to sleep at night.”

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4 responses to “Some wounds take so long to heal, and others never do.

  1. bethany January 2, 2011 at 8:21 pm

    Of course your loss defines part of you. Don’t let anyone tell you differently. I just wish you peace, blessings and good health, and I hope that you do get to Would-be-mom to Mom someday. Still, you’ll grieve the loss of your baby. The pain may soften, but never be forgotten. ((hugs))

  2. Katrina Kent January 3, 2011 at 9:10 am

    There is most definitely a 4th group…

  3. Jamie January 15, 2011 at 6:28 pm

    I have not gone through what you have and hope to never experience that severe of a loss. But I daily worry about this and, honestly, you are so much stronger than I could ever be. You may not think so, but you are a strong woman. There is nothing wrong with allowing this loss to define part of you, that baby growing in you was a part of you. You will always grieve for that little one, but I do hope that with time the pain is lessened.
    Another reason as to why you have not seen me is because I don’t want to feel like I am flaunting my growth in front of you. I know you are a kind woman and are happy for those around you but, personally, I could not handle it if I were in your shoes. I love you and am always here for you.

  4. habitsofamouse January 16, 2011 at 10:37 am

    As hard as it would be to see you for the first few moments, that would be it. Yes, there would be a bit of bittersweetness in there, but that’s something that will never fade for me until I make it through the process myself.

    I’m so excited that you’re having this chance and if we did get together before the little one comes, in no way would you be “flaunting” it in front of me. Conception and birth are parts of woman hood and foolish is she that sees another’s joy and journey as only reminders of pain and suffering and not a joyous and momentous occasion. :-)

    That being said, we still need to set up a time to knit. I have a new book with some wonderful children’s patterns that you would love!

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