May 24, 2012
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No man who worships education has got the best out of education…. Without a gentle contempt for education no man’s education is complete. ~G.K. Chesterton
I’m currently half way through my Master’s in Liberal Studies. I have a 3.802 GPA. I’m slated to graduate the year my son will be eligible for early Pre-K. Things seem to be falling into place….So why am I ranting and raving like a lunatic inside?
One of the courses I am required to take is offered every fall. The past two years I have been unable to take it, for one reason or another. This fall I’m looking at having to pass on it due to Vaughn. He’ll be turning a year old in November, but that means he’ll still be relying on me for food, mostly at night. Since the course is 4-6:30 on Polycom, the best I could hope for is being tied up from 3 – 7:30 when you include all possible travel options. Joe has way too much going on at work to get out early, and Vaughn’s way too young for me to consider having anyone babysit him. I know other stay-at-homes will have their child baby sat as young as three months, but that’s not my prerogative. We also circle back to the food thing. he won’t use a bottle and refuses to drink defrosted milk. I know that I shouldn’t be stressing about this, as the course will also be offered in fall of 2013, and Vaughn will be old enough by then that I’ll feel confident leaving him with only solids to eat for dinner. I just feel like I’m running out of my adviser’s sympathy on the matter.
My thesis is another story entirely. I have completely changed my plan and idea from the one that I had been kicking around for the past two years to one that I know I will continue to have steam and passion for. The problem? Getting my butt in gear. I know how addicted I get to certain areas of research and I’m afraid I’ll let it effect my ability as a mother and a wife around the homestead. I know that it’s a ridiculous fear, but one I harbor nonetheless. I know that there’s something to be said for balance, and it’s an act I need to learn if I ever plan to work and home-school at the same time. I’ve never been good at balance, though. If I want to lose weight, I do it dramatically and without paying attention to my spiritual self. If I need spiritual healing, I lose track of my weight. If I’m researching a topic, I lose track of the house. If I’m working on the house, I lose track of my research.
Scholarships are the other thing that’s bogging me down. Every year of college, whether as an undergraduate or a graduate student, I always tell myself I’ll apply to more scholarships. I might do a handful of them, but then I give up. I don’t consider myself as a high enough caliber of a person to receive scholarships. I’m scared to death of asking professors to write references for me, and even more afraid of missing out on opportunities because I ask a professor who doesn’t get back to me in time. Ridiculous and annoying are the two words that sum up that hurdle. It’s one I’ve been trying to clear this summer, especially now that Vaughn’s around. Having a child puts it all into perspective. I know that’s cliche and all, but it’s the truth. Staring down the mountain of debt that is surrounding up is so intimidating. I loath it.