Fear of New
July 9, 2014
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Fear is something that is never far from my mind. Fear of failing; fear of succeeding; fear of fear. Most of all, fear of new beginnings.
I grew up in what I call a “static” family. Nothing ever changed. Nothing ever grew. My parents loved us, they really did, but they also weren’t really open about allowing us to dive into new experiences. I could go on for days about the why and who and what ifs, but that would be pointless. The point is this: I’ve been shaped by that. Ever since I moved out at 18 I’ve had issues with “new.” New and I just don’t jive too well, but…I need to get over that. New needs to become a best friend, a side kick that will be there with me throughout the rest of my life.
I graduate with my MA this fall.
I will start a career after that.
I have a family growing and spreading wings.
I need to accomplish things on my bucket list.
I build my homestead each season.
I strive to make myself a better person each day.
All of this brings New next to me. Whispering in my year, New tells me it’s all right, that everything will be fine. New is fun and exciting, but a bit unstable.
At the same time, Old is lagging behind, whispering that I shouldn’t trust New. Old is warm and comforting, like an old sweater. But, just like an old sweater, Old can be stifling when it’s time for the season to change. Old grabs on and holds me back, making me feel inadequate. Old hasn’t been the friend he always promised.